Oh! I'm FAMOUS!

http://www.lowellsun.com/health

I'm not sure how long that link will last, so check it out while you can.

The story, I feel, was fair and the woman who wrote it, Christine, is such a sweethart (thank you SO much for the baby stuff--you rock!). However. Please note the third word in the third paragraph. Obese.

I hate that word. Yes, Ok, I'm fat. I know that. People who know me know that. Hell, people who don't know me know that. I mean, it's not like they're blind. But now it's in print. Published. Out there. So it must be true. Somehow truer (is that a word? For the record, according to the OED and my mother, stupider is not a word. My dad won a scrabble game with "stupider" but apparently it's not a word. I digress.) than it was before. And frankly, it's down right depressing.

I'm 3 months (almost exactly! AH!) from having my baby boy. I can't wait. But he's going to be born to a big fat momma. A big fat momma who can't seem to keep her blood sugar under control for him. I'm just setting him up for a lifetime of weight concerns. So what, he'll be a big fat boy, too? So not fair. Why didn't I think about that before I got pregnant? Why didn't I watch my weight more carefully? And more importantly, why, oh why can't I seem to do anything about it now?

My sister is having gastric bypass. I might not be the biggest advocate of this surgery, but it's her choice not mine. But you know, even though it's not something I'd do, I'm somewhat jealous. I'll officially be the only fat one left in my family. Oh joy.

Yeah, I know. The answer is to lose weight, I get it. But hi, if it was that easy in the first place, I WOULDN'T BE FAT NOW. So let's not pretend that it is. Losing weight is hard. Damn hard. And my body doesn't like to give it up very easily. I have to work out--hard and a lot--to lose significant amounts of weight. I am terrified of how I'm going to do that with a newborn. And my hormones (Let's not split hairs. Vegas is currently running odds of 100 to 1 that I'll get postpartum depression. I'm not known for my stable hormones....). And my job, which exhausts me lately (don't even get me started. People from work read this. Hi!). And keeping up on the house. And cooking. And, oh yeah, the whole marriage thing.

Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Ok, I lied.

It doesn't make me WANT to cry. It actually makes me cry. Of course, The Office makes me cry these days, so I'm pretty sure we can't use my tears as a benchmark of anything.

I don't know. I'm just so mad at myself for not taking better care of myself while pregnant. For not taking better care of myself before getting pregnant. I'm worried about what my poor son is going to think of his big fat momma. And I don't want him to ever know me like this. But I don't know how to fix it.

I've had good intentions in the past. Very good intentions. I've proven to myself time and time again that I can do it. And that I have amazing will power. And that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. But it never lasts long enough. I always get frustrated and stop. I just want to look good. Be happy. Stay healthy. And wear a size 10. And not in that order. Frankly, I'd almost rather be a size 10 than healthy. Oh, come on. Like I'm alone in that! At least I'm honest! And frankly, with the exception of this current blood sugar issue, I am quite healthy. My doctor says I have the health of a 130 pound woman. Now all I have to do is somehow become that 130 pound woman...

And don't even get me started on that stupid picture. Hormonal women should NOT be photographed. I have customers who saw that. Sigh.

Is it OK to drown my sorrows in a bowl of no sugar added ice cream? No?