Next month

Next month I'll be a mommy.
Unless you believe my friend Melissa. In which case I'll be a mother this month.

After everything, we're finally going to be parents. It's just amazing to me. I still worry constantly. I still pray daily for a healthy baby boy. But with each passing day, it becomes more and more obvious that in a few short weeks, we'll be changing diapers and trying to figure out how, exactly to make this little person stop crying. It's so exciting. And terrifying. And wonderful. Did I mention terrifying?

I'm quite honestly scared out of my mind. I'm not the most organized person. I'd LIKE to be. Disorganization frustrates me. And frankly, clutter makes me straight up angry. And yet, our little house is overwhelmed with disorganized clutter. At least to me it is. I'm sure other people don't always see what I see. We had a cleaning company come 2 weeks ago and they commented on how clean it was (um, yeah. If it WAS, I wouldn't have called YOU) and how well organized. Ok, clearly, I need to find a new cleaning company. Well, I DO need to find a new cleaning company (they used mops--don't get me started. Floors are to be cleaned on your hands and knees. I was clear when I hired them. Sigh. And they didn't move the furniture to clean under and behind it. I mean, really?) but that's a different story.

My problem is that I'm a perfectionist who recognizes that she is NO.WHERE NEAR perfect. So, since I can't make my house as perfect as my mommy's house (for the record, this is my goal. Someday, my house will rival my mom's....someday...), I don't bother doing things I know I should frequently enough. Like laundry. I do laundry like once a week. Which, for now, is just fine. The HG alerts me when he needs underoos and I do laundry. It's a great process. But, this laundry hating genius decided to cloth diaper. Why? What was I thinking? Cloth diapers are not for people who don't do laundry. But I feel so strongly about it, that I don't want to go to disposables. Besides, as I told the HG, this little guy is going to poop, pee, and puke (the 3 P's as I call it) on everything so I'll be doing tons of laundry anyway. What's a few more diapers in the mix? Ok, so perhaps the real question isn't why did I decide to cloth diaper, but why did I decide to have a child?

But beyond diapers and laundry, I hate hate hate being late. Obsessively hate being late. It, along with clutter, makes me angry. But I love love love sleeping. I'm not good at it, but I do enjoy sleeping. I mean, I wake up frequently and rarely sleep more than 2 or 3 hours in a stretch. (This is the one thing I have going for me in the baby arena....) As a result, though, I often sleep through my alarm clock in the morning and am perpetually running late for work. So I dash out the door, usually with wet hair and one arm in my coat. Toast hanging out of my mouth. Sometimes I don't even remember to lock the door behind me. And on cold mornings, I don't even bother letting the car warm up. How, please tell me, am I going to add a child the mix? I can't put a baby in a cold car. I can't take a shower and be out the door in 5 minutes after waking up. I'll have to feed him. Pack his diaper bag. Dress him. I don't even know what else.

Don't even get me started on cooking. I adore cooking. It's one of my most favorite things to do. But I rarely do it. It just seems so...pointless. I'm home alone most nights because the HG works late. So I grab take out. I can't grab take out once I'm a mom. For many reasons. Not the least of which is we won't be able to afford it if I ever want to be a stay at home mom (which will hopefully happen sometime next year). I also have decided to make my own baby food. Again, this is one of those things I feel strongly about, but fear I'm too lazy to follow through on.

Seriously. What was I thinking? How the hell am I going to do this?? How am I going to be the mom I want to be? The wife I want to be? The employee I need to be? A friend, sister, daughter? How does it all fit together? While I'm sure I'll figure it out and it's not like I'll be a single mom, I'm still terrified. I know I can't be perfect at any of it. But I so badly want to be.

And, as always, I worry about him. Will he be early? Late? And it he's either, will he be healthy? Is he kicking enough? Is he REALLY Ok in there? And once he's here, will he be healthy? Will he be HAPPY?

I don't really think I'm all that unusual. I mean, it's not like I sit her obsessing (really, I swear, I don't....no REALLY.). And I'm pretty sure this is how I'll feel for the rest of his life. I wonder if he'll like the bubble we're going to put him in.... (oh, alRIGHT...no bubble. I assume that would scar him for life, huh?)

Anyway, while I still have time, I'm going to have to work on figuring out this whole "mom" thing. I'm sure I'll figure it out. I mean, people have been having babies for thousands of years, right? It's not like I'm the first. If it sucked, people would stop, right?

Besides, even though Melissa thinks I'll be a mommy this month, I'm pretty sure this little guy will make his debut in May. He's just all about keep me on my toes. I'll prepare for him for this month, because that's how I roll. But, like his daddy, I'm sure he'll just show up when he feels like it. So you know, I will have an extra week or two to figure it out.