IDKMYBFFK8

Warning: Uncharacteristic deep thoughts ahead

That's my email address.
IDKMYBFFK8

As in: I don't know, my BFF Kate. It started as a joke based on a commercial for one of the cell phone companies (Dad asks who Grandma is texting, she says "IDK, my BFF, Rose"). My actual best friend's husband asked her who she was IMing, to which she responded "IDKMYBFFK8". I'm easily amused, so when I needed a new email address, one unassociated with my message board persona, I chose this.

But now I'm thinking about what it actually means. Is it "I don't know, my best friend Kate." or "I don't know my best friend Kate."

I'm starting to think it's the latter.
Because I don't really know "Kate" anymore.

For far too long I've focused on having a child. I don't even remember a time if my life when I didn't want a child, if a time even existed. Boyfriends were merely potential husbands (very BAD potential husbands. Yikes.). A husband being the first milestone to having a child. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much. And had we never had children, I would still be happily married to him. But a piece of me would still be missing.

And now AJ is here. And I love him. He is my heart and soul. The absolute love of my life.
But 3 months later and I'm starting to wonder: who am I?

I too often find myself describing myself as a wife and mother. I'm "Scott's wife". I'm "AJ's mom". When pressed to describe myself, I come up empty handed. Certainly I'm more than a wife and mother. Is that OK? Is it OK to finally have what I always wanted and find myself wanting more?

The thing is, I think I almost liked myself better when I was struggling with infertility. I was focused. I had a hobby of sorts. So pathetic. Now I spend my days wondering if I'm doing enough for AJ. For my husband. For my family. Did I do enough tummy time with AJ? Did I do enough around the house? Why didn't I cook dinner? What did I leave undone that I shouldn't have? What can I do tomorrow that is somehow better than what I did (or didn't) do today? I go to be unsatisfied with my accomplishments for the day.

But you know, I read though my posts from last year and I realize, I was unsatisfied then, too. Sure, I was focused, I had a goal. But it was a goal driven by my dissatisfaction with my life. And, frankly, I find that sad. I don't want to be unsatisfied. I don't want to be perpetually in the "pursuit" of happiness. I want to just plain BE happy.

So, I've decided that I'm just going to plain BE happy. I'm going to figure out who my BFF Kate is and love her the way she is. After all, that's how I love my kid and my husband--just as they are. And I'm at least as worth it as they are, right? (My kid is cuter, but I think I trump the husband).

As a result, I changed the name of my blog and I'm going to start "finding" me. Or at least talking a lot about it. Cuz, you know, I'm all talk most of the time....