Head Games

I'm thinking of weighing myself in kilograms. I weigh less than 200 kilos. I can't say the same for pounds. Besides, saying "I only have 20 kilos to go" sounds like I'm talking about moving some coke...maybe I'll get some of the money I spent on weight watchers back. Not that I'm going to sell coke. Or any other drug for that matter (I'm not a criminal. Besides, I was told the mug shots were destroyed...) But it would be nice to believe I could get some of my money back. I think I've sent 3 weight watcher children to college in the 4 years I've been paying for weight watchers.

Ok, let's do some math. $13 a week for 208 weeks=$2,708. Not so bad. Well, I feel better. I did, however, send one weight watcher child to one semester of community college. I hope she got something out of it.

When I went to community college, I have to say, I learned virtually nothing of value (oh, wait. I did learn to roll a joint in Soc 101. But it wasn't valuable to me. I never rolled a joint. And I didn't inhale. Nobody would share their pot with me. Apparently it's a waste if you don't inhale. Whatevs.). I don't know that it was because it was community college or because I only half-assed it. Probably a combination of both. Don't get me wrong, I think community colleges absolutely have their place in this world (reminds me of a Michael W. Smith song: Place in This World. Google it.) I'm not anti-community college. But I didn't find it very....purposeful. Very few of the students there knew why they were there--what their final goal in life was. Certainly none of us had to make an effort to get in, so we didn't have to make an effort to stay in. I just wish I had spent my time there more wisely. Like, you know, learning something. The hardest part of my entire career there was trying to get my diploma. Yes, I graduated. Yes, I completed all course requirements. But get the actual diploma? Not so much. Why? Because I refused to pay them the $25 graduation fee. Again. I paid it when I registered to graduate. You had to pay or you didn't get to participate in graduation ceremonies. Since my mother has pictures of me walking across the stage, I'm quite certain I was there. But when I went to pick up my diploma? Not so much. After weeks of arguing, I let it go. Who cared? I was on to bigger and better things. Funny thing, though. I don't have the diploma from my BS, either. Sense a trend? In my older years, I've learned that some things really are just that important. Why couldn't I pay another $25 for the diploma? I don't know. My mother says I'm stubborn. (She's wrong. I'm not stubborn and if you give me 20 minutes, I'll prove it to you.) I do want that diploma, though. Well, not that one so much as the one for my BS. (also graduated. With honors, thank you very much. Ah, nothing says "honor graduate" like "insurance underwriter"....) That one I'd like. I mean, who doesn't want their diploma hanging on the wall of their office? (Let's not nitpick. Cube, office. Potato, tomato.)

Ok, but my point is that sometimes it's not worth arguing with someone who can't spell diploma, much less know if you've earned one, over $25. (Is that judgey? How many karma points do I lose? Does it matter if I know someone who works at the same community college and will vouch for me that most of the staff members can't read?) For example, today I was at the drive thru of Wendy's getting the HG a coke float (diet starts the 23rd, remember?) and the stellar employee of the Wendy's handed me the cup, which overfloweth with coke. And float. I got all snippy with him. Why would you hand someone something that's quite literally spilling? It has to go in my car. So what did I do to "punish" the employee? Dumped 1/2 of it on the pavement. Yeah. That'll show him. Now, I ask you, who is the "genius" in this equation. (hint: it's not the guy in the snappy uniform.)

Ok, so we've established that you shouldn't argue with the diploma withholders (bastards) or with Wendy's employees (this will only result in spit laden burger or dumping 1/2 you purchase on the ground in protest). But is it Ok to argue with the friend who feels like the universe revolves around her? Actually, she doesn't feel the universe revolves around her. What a horrible thing for me to say. She is absolutely certain the universe was created for her pleasure only. And as such, everything about her life is that much better than yours. Bought a new car? She was going to buy that one, but instead bought her new car. Which is so much better than yours. Here, let her explain why. For the next 20 minutes. Got a promotion at work? Give her a moment, she'll share all the sordid details about how the president of her company can't possibly take a shit without running it by her and making sure it's a good business decision. Did you happen to see a movie this weekend? Be sure to pencil in some time to hear about how she knows someone who knows someone who once went to summer camp with someone who stood next to the star of the movie in line at Starbucks (said star apparently prefers a venti skinny latte with an extra shot. half caf. Extra hot.) Which clearly makes her cool by extension. And heaven forbid you think you are entitled to an opinion. You're not. No, it doesn't matter how well read you are on the subject. Or if you're a subject matter expert (Ok, for the record, the only thing I'm a subject matter expert on is shoes, shopping, ice cream, fertility treatments, and fake diamonds--I can spot them a mile away. But she's better at all of them. Here, let her show you why....). Nope, Athena has either read an article (did I say read? I meant to say "wrote") or participated in a study (did I say participate? I meant to say "designed") that specifically and irrefutably proves you're a complete idiot. She doesn't go to parties. She is invited to events. She doesn't have friends over for drinks. She entertains. She doesn't have friends or relatives who graduate from college. She has friends or family who graduate from Princeton or Duke or Yale. She doesn't go on a boat ride. She's entertained on a yacht. And breakfast out? Brunch, thank you very much. You know, if I'm such an idiot with bad taste who makes poor decisions and can't reason her way out of a paper bag, why oh why does she hang out with me? I must be her charity project. (and I know, why do I hang out with her? Yeah. She's my charity project....so, is that + karma points for doing charity work or - karma points for being snarky about her? A wash? If you knew her, I'd totally get karma points for doing charity work.) When she gets pregnant, her child will be perfection. And I'm fairly certain that she'll be more infertile than I am. Unless, of course, I have a child by then. Then she'll get pregnant faster and easier than I did. (But that's not fair. Most people do. Of course, they usually have enough class not to point that out.)

One thing I have going for me that Athena does not? The HG. Who else thinks my insanity is cute?

(Oh, and PS, I think I have more than 20 kilos to lose. How many pounds in a kilo, anyway?)