Who says the TSA isn't there for you?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080610/ts_alt_afp/ustransportaviationsecurity_080610211153

Um. Yeah. I'm not going to go into a long dissertation about personal liberties, but, hi, please don't look at my special places. They're special. They're for me, the HG, and all the doctors, nurses, and medical students at the fertility clinic to look at. Besides, I'd be darned impressed if anyone at the TSA could distinguish between my rolly polly belly (body by Jell-O!) and explosives. (Dear Homeland Security, I don't know how to obtain explosives, how to use explosives, or even what most of them are called. I also would never go to an airport sporting anything but cute shoes. Just so we're clear. Please don't strip search me.) Ok, but let's give props to the TSA for giving us all some motivation for losing weight. And just when you thought the government wasn't working for you.

At least the government isn't making those little "Parents with Infants" parking spots at the grocery store into a law. Like having a baby is somehow equal to living in a wheelchair. (I will not even attempt to figure out the most politically correct way to say this...handicapped, differently able, walking impaired. I'm not sure, I'm not going to try. Mad props to everyone in the world. Please refer to yesterday's singing of the coke song. Still stands.) So, I was at the grocery store today (I made pizza for dinner. Eh. Crust could have been better. It looked like George Costanza. There was SHRINKAGE! But it was otherwise quite tasty. The trick is to put shaved Parmesan on it right when it comes out of the oven. Write it down.) and I found a spot right up front. Which was so nice because generally the HG and I ascribe to the "just park it" philosophy of parking lot circling. Find a spot and fill it (This will be humors to the few, the proud, the Amway followers. Which I am not. I just know people who are. Please don't hold it against me.). So when I spy a spot right up front, I feel like I've been given a gift from the parking lot gods. And on the ninth day, God created parking spots. (Is this blasphemous? I think God has a sense of humor. He did, after all create us in His own image. Which clearly means that God is both funny and cute.) Well, I gunned it to "my" spot, and whipped my car into park, pulled up the emergency brake (oh, yeah Baby. I rock a standard. By choice. I am so badass.), grabbed my purse. And looked out the window to see a great big red sign which read "Customers with Infants parking only". Huh. So philosophical question here, let's define "infant". Does this infant have to be human? Does the baby attitude I'm carrying count? I say it does and proceed to walk into the store. Apparently, I was wrong. The woman in the spot next to me shot me the nastiest look ever. Yikes. I'm still scared. Ok, so I was honestly expecting her to roll out John and Kate (plus 8!) style with a dozen kids. At least. Nope. Not a one in sight. So what was up with the look of death? She didn't have an infant either. It's not like I was taking her spot. So I said "It's Ok. I'm infertile and there wasn't any place else to park the bitter bus. Beep beep." Not sure she found me amusing.

Oh, alright! I made that whole part up about the bitter bus. The rest of it's true. She did give me a nasty look. And she didn't have any kids. But I didn't say anything. I'm a lot more spice in the rack than spice in your chili. Plus, bitter in real life? Not so cute. I'm still not sure why she gave me the look. Are these spots **really** just reserved for customers with infants? Ok, if that's true, may I suggest some changes to the system? They should move the spots closer the cart return area. That's where moms need them anyway. And make them twice as wide as normal spots so when a frazzled mom is wrangling 4 kids in the car and forgets one, said child doesn't have to dodge other cars in the parking lot. She can just stand still (true story. It's ok, she came back for me. Almost immediately. And I do believe her story that she just miscounted heads. I do. She wasn't trying to leave me there. No matter what my sister says. And either way, she's stuck with me now) and wait.

Also, I suggest some new spots. "Customers in High Heels Parking Only". Have you ever tried to navigate a pothole filled parking lot in 4 inch heels? There should be spots INSIDE the store. How 'bout one for "Customers With Wicked Cool Cars"? They could be 4 miles away and diagonal. Each customer could take up 3 spots. "Pregnant Women Parking"....they have a porta potty and ice cream stand. And finally, the "Customers Who Really Have to Go" spots. Those spots will be marked with these signs:

That's an actual sign, from an actual bathroom that I actually used today. (I also bought a giant cookie and a diet pepsi. Lunch of champions.) I will never stop finding that amusing. I'm sure she's supposed to look demure. But she really just looks like she's doing the pee pee dance.

I wonder if we could use that same sign on the new TSA machines at the airport. They could function as both a warning and instructions. I repeat, nobody needs to see my special girly parts on the big screen. (Please read the link. All of this is a lot more amusing if you know what I'm talking about.)