Perception is not reality.

Or so says the Donster. (Donster=mom. Mom=Donna, follow?) Ok, so that begs the question, at what point can you trust your perceptions? For example, I perceive that my mother is crazy. She, however, will completely disagree with this. (And yes, she is reading this. Hi mom!) Now, if I get several of my sisters to back me up on this, does that mean it's reality? Here's the thing. Mom wants me to write up my little sister's wedding invitations. I maintain I already did mine and glowing bride should do her own. And if she doesn't want to, then I guess she doesn't want a wedding badly enough. I'm right, right? The Donster is crazy, yes?

In all fairness, I love my mom. She's only as crazy as the rest of us and how do you not love that? She just wants baby sister to have a nice wedding. I'm all about that. (10 karma points for me). Unless having a nice wedding means I have to write up some long winded essay about the virtues of Utica so the out of town guests can find something fun to do. Utica has one main virtue: the exit out of the city. Oh, and I got married there. So two virtues. Oh, and sometimes it's sunny. And houses cost about as much as pocket lint. So what's that, 3 1/2 virtues? My point is that I can't help the guests of this shindig (shindig will commence on August 9th...I'll be resplendent in a white wrap dress and the cutest sandals you've ever seen) find something fun to do in Utica during their time there because there is nothing to share with them. I did the whole "tour of Utica" thing for my wedding. Know how many people took advantage of it? A big fat zero. No wait, I take that back. I think one, but let's not split hairs. I think I get a pass on having to do it again. (Poll: do I lose karma points for that?)

While we're talking about my mom. I was watching "My SUPER Sweet 16" on MTV. (I'm a reality TV junkie. HG knows this and loves me anyway. **Swoon** for the husband guy.) The mother of the little diva having her "day" (gag) actually said, as diva tried on a 70!!! carat diamond necklace for her "big day", "Oh, you deserve that! It's your birthday!". I instantly had two thoughts: 1) huh, so THAT'S what's wrong with America and 2) um. Hi. All little diva has done in her 15ish short years is spend your money. How, exactly, has she earned a 70 carat necklace. No, for real. Where is mommy's necklace? I think that all birthdays, until you've solidly reached adulthood, should celebrate the mother. Possibly the father. I'll think about that. But fo' sho the mother. Mom is the one who does all the work. My older sister is a single mom. TELL me that girl does not deserve a 70 carat diamond necklace 20 times more than MTV Diva. Anyway. Here's to all the moms I know! Eff mother's day! Take back the birthdays!
(Oh, I also had a third thought: ohhhhh...sparkly....)

Speaking of perception (yes, we were, please refer to the title of today's ramble), today I got a gander of myself in the mirror. When I left the house this morning, the shining face in the mirror was adorable in her dark brown baby doll blouse, khaki capris, brown and teal necklace, and bronze flats. I'd take her home. And that new make-up? FAB.U.LOUS. But the image staring back at me when I went to lunch? Not so much. I'd like to figure out a way to take the hottie from the mirror to work and not have her take a premature lunch break. (I imagine she was in the bathroom staring at herself.) So I considered my options: 1) lose weight 2) ignore ugly mirror girl (she's a bitch anyway) or 3) become a vampire (no mirror image...). Option 2 seems difficult. Besides, I like bitches. Most of my best friends are bitches. And I worry what option three would do for my social life...nobody really wants to hang out with the blood sucking girl with fangs. Plus that whole "wooden stake the the heart thing" is so 2 years ago. So it seems like we're back at the weight loss thing. Is it ok to confess that I really don't want to? I'd rather just wake up skinny. So.much.easier.

However, my doctor told me I'm too fat to have a baby right now. (See, ma, perception is totally reality.)You'd think that would motivate me. And it does. It really truly does. For about 10 minutes before I go to bed at night. Then I wake up and think, hmmmm....hash browns would totally taste good. And I deserve it (Hey, after all, it could be my birthday! It's not like I'm asking for a 70 carat necklace. Just some fried bits of potato-y goodness.....) Only, I don't think I do deserve it. What I deserve is to lose this weight and start jabbing myself with needles (Hi Murpy! That was for you.) for IVF. Oh, and to look KILLER in my white dress at bridezilla's shindig. (Besides, she doesn't want to look at pictures of a marshmallow every time she sees her wedding pics. + karma points for me!)

I wonder how much liposuction costs.....

(PS, the donster has a birthday coming up. No, she's not getting a 70 carat sparkler. Unless it's the kind of sparkler that comes in a box of 20 on the 4th of July. I'm thinking "fruit of the month"....)