The Baby Nazi

You know, like the soup Nazi from Seinfeld. "No baby for you!"
I still haven't figured out what I did to piss off the Nazi....I couldn't even tell you when I met said Nazi. But you know, I did apparently. I wonder if I have a George or Kramer to score me a baby. I'm guessing not. Babies being a bit more difficult to procure than soup. Plus, do you really want the baby either of those 2 would turn up? Just sayin....

I've been infertile for years. Years before I even knew my husband's name (that was awkward...sleeping next to a guy for years, but not knowing his name...), I was infertile. It is who I am. Which, really, is sad. So sad. But knowing that I can't have babies of my own without test tubes, shots, and birth control (wah? Yeah, BC is used to prepare your body for ovary stimulation. If I don't get pregnant soon, I'm going to stop having sex altogether. I'm pretty sure I'll be knocked up in a week. Scott is not a fan of this plan.) has really molded me some as a person. I felt like I had to "hurry" up and find a husband because we had to get on the baby making thing. For the record, this is not a plan I recommend. For realsies. All it results in is dating way too many of the wrong guys. Often times, the really wrong guys. Yikes. So glad I gave THAT up. PTL for my boy. He's fantastic and loves me regardless of (because of?) my insanity. It also means that I can actually count my life expectancy in seconds. Ok, not actually. But it feels like that sometimes. For example, I'm 33. I'll be 34 in December. That means I have to be pregnant before March 2009. Why? Because after that, I'll be 35 and suddenly a high risk pregnancy. Who thinks like that? I'm painfully obsessed with the passage of time. I get palpitations if I'm late for anything.

In addition to the time thing, I'm driven to karmic perfection. Which is weird because I don't even believe in karma. But I'm pretty sure that if I do everything "right" I'll magically turn up preggers. And every time I screw up (don't vacuum, do the dishes, blow off a day of work, be ungrateful for my blessings in life, wear white after labor day....) I'm keeping my uterus empty for another X number of months--I refer to this as "karma points". As in "how many karma points do I lose for thinking that the girl doing my pedicure the other day really should not wear a short skirt and thong when sitting on that stool with her legs spread to accommodate the pedicure chair?" Ok, you know, I probably don't lose any points for thinking it. I'm pretty sure I'd lose karma points for either suggesting she use my tip to buy pants (I considered this as option A) or snapping a picture and texting it to all my friends (option B and way funnier). But due to my crazy fear of losing karma points, I did neither. And now someone else is going to have to see her crotch while they get a pedicure. Crap. I think I lose karma points for not sparing someone else the sight (at least she had a good bikini wax....) Perhaps I should rename this blog "Bitter is the new crazy" "Crazy is the new bitter" "Hi, my name is Kate and I'm crazy?" My mind is fun. You think it's scary to read it. Try living it. They don't make Xanax tablets big enough for me.

Which brings me to the saddest part of my personality, as molded by infertility: I can't even be happy for other pregnant people. People around me get pregnant and I suddenly feel the need to start shooting things. And for the record, you apparently have to be a member of a gun club (I assume this means you must own an actual gun for this) to go to a gun range (note to self: join gun club. Don't buy gun.) The unfortunate lack of something legal (refer to karma points) to shoot at left me with no other option today than to rant at the poor husband guy all day. Not "at" so much as "to". It's not HIS fault I'm bitter. His little guys swim just fine. They just don't have anywhere good to go (I've only got one fallopian tube, the health of which is extremely debatable). Poor little spermies...swimming their little hearts out for nothing. But despite my anger not being directed at him, he does take the brunt of my anger at the world. And what kind of pathetic person can't even be happy for her FRIENDS when they get pregnant? Really. What's that about? And how many karma points do I lose?

And in other news. Conversation with the Husband Guy (HG) that took place while I was typing this:
HG: "So, do you think in the grand scheme of things, you spent too much last month?"
Me: "Uh, yeah. Probably." (where is he going with this? I ALWAYS spend to much....)
HG: Evil grin "So does that mean I can spend too much this month?" more evil grin.
(I somehow suspect his spending too much is not going to translate into shoes, a purse, or a spa day for me. As such, I really don't see this benefiting me in anyway. Though, happy HG is a good thing which could translate into one of the above for me. And he DID endure a day long rant. See above.)
Me: "Um, love? What do you want to buy?"
HG: "Well remember when I bought the PSP, I wanted to hack it......(story gets long and technical. But, to be honest, I listened AND paid attention. 10 karma points)."
Me: "Honey, if you want to buy a new PSP, go nuts."
Like I'm gonna judge that. I spent $58 on plates (for the wall...not even the good, useful kind) yesterday. I was looking for curtains. So yeah. What legal argument (screw legal, what coherent argument) could I possible make? Besides, it makes HG happy. I'm all about that. Plus, hi, the rant. He deserves a Hummer (The CAR, dirty, dirty minds....).


I'm seriously considering calling in sick of life tomorrow. Boss would not be impressed. So I'll wear my pretty new shirt and cute green skirt. With my adorable wedgie sandals. Those sandals were worth every of the 4,000 pennies I spent on them at DSW....

(Blogging is fun. Especially because it's fun to see my crazy mind on the screen. If you're wondering, yes, I really DO think like this. Only more ADD. I organized it some for readability....I don't think in paragraphs. And here's a scare thought: someday my children might read this and I don't have the money for the kind of therapy that would require to fix.)