Hope Floats and other things that don't.

First of all. Please read this. http://preview.tinyurl.com/4pylkd

I'm not sure if I feel better or worse about the human race. I do feel like I need a shower. But it does show that hope springs eternal. Which is good. Hope rocks and according to bad Sandra Bullock movies (who?), it also floats. So now I feel like a bad person for laughing at this chick (-4 karma points. Would be more, but really. She's 24. And on husband #4. This is not on me.)


Is it sad, scary, or pathetic that she's 24 and getting married for the 4th time? I'm leaning towards all three. And I wonder. What does it say about me that I care? I wonder if my little blog entries make it around the world and if so, what do people say about them? For one, they probably don't. I'm so not that important. But if they did, I hope people wouldn't laugh at them. That's not very nice. I know, I know. I laugh at people all the time. See? I'm a terrible person (another -4).

But am I alone in that? I was reading a post on a message board earlier tonight that said something like "I got to the beach to laugh at the fat people in bikinis". Um. Hi. As a fat person, I find that offensive. I know I'm fat. You're just not supposed to notice. And for the record, no, I do not wear a bikini to the beach. I wear a tankini. Big difference. You know how sadly proud I was of my tankini? It was my first 2 piece ever. For real. My dad said that chubby girls shouldn't wear bikinis. Dad was right, but it still sucked. Chubby girls shouldn't wear bikinis (sorry ladies. You've heard of body by Jake. Well, if you have body by jello, cover it up.) I'm not saying you shouldn't shake what your momma gave ya, but you should shake it less if it jiggles. Or at least shake it under fabric. I bought my tankini for my honeymoon. And it covers everything. No little areas where flesh peaks out. But I love it because when I jump in the water the top floats up (like hope....) just a little and I can feel the water on my bare skin. Like skinny dipping. Without the skinny.


You know, though, I wish I had the self esteem to rock a bikini at the beach right now. I mean, hi, people can see that I'm fat. It's not a secret. True story. I have a friend (you know who you are. And yes, I'm not mentioning your name because I love you like that.) who refuses to wear sleeveless shirts. Screw that man. It's effing hot out sometimes. And have you ever noticed how some of the cutest summer shirts are sleeveless? Well anyway, she refuses to wear sleeveless shirts (I assume her father told her chubby girls shouldn't go sleeveless....). I asked her one day what she thought people would think if she suddenly showed up in something sleeveless. She said she was afraid people would think she's fat. I pointed out that it's not like people are looking at her saying "Hmmm...cute outfit. I wonder if she's thin. If only I could see her arms....". I know. Harsh. But true. She still doesn't wear sleeveless.


On the other hand, you have to wonder, why is it OK to wear sleeveless (in my mind) and not a bikini? Stacey and Clinton (please nominate me for what not to wear. I have pictures in a band uniform that prove I need their help. Two words: Sky blue polyester. Ok, that's three. You get the point.) would be appalled at the mere suggestion of someone other than the most svelte of models wearing sleeveless. I'm more of against the accumulation of too much skin. So no sleeves? Ok. Shirt that doesn't cover your middle? Ok if your tummy is smaller than my thigh. Oh new rule! Feel free to show off anything smaller than my thigh. Trust me, this rule provides a lot of latitude. I wonder what I'll look like when my tummy is smaller than my thighs. That'll be pretty funny looking. Like Popeye.


I wish I could be like the couple in the article. Just so hopeful that it's all going to be Ok. Regardless of all the evidence to the contrary. How do you get that? I try to be perky (I wear a push up bra and everything. The HG calls it a padded bra. For the record, it is not padded.) I try to find the silver lining and be optimistic. The HG always calls me his "little optimist". I am failing to come up with an example of this. But trust me. He does. I totally look for the best in people. Oh, like the salesgirl (is that PC? Perhaps I should call her the retail sales engineer) who I made cry at Macy's during Christmas. No wait, that's a bad example. But all I was doing was exchanging something. She was getting downright belligerent with me. So I suggested that perhaps retail wasn't the right profession for her. There are lots of other jobs she'd have been good at. Like Boston Bus driver. I think being belligerent is a job requirement. (+ karma points for me for helping her chose a more appropriate career) She burst into tears (lots of - karma points for me for making her cry). But seriously, all I said to her was that it didn't seem reasonable to me that I should have to pay more for the same shirt in a different size just because it was on sale when I bought it, but wasn't on sale when I tried to exchange it. She didn't agree. I suggested that perhaps her manager would be able to help. That's when she started to get belligerent. See? So.not.my.fault. (Can I have my karma points back? Thoughts?)


So, bad experiences with retail sales engineers aside, I do try to be optimistic and nice to people. And I do try to look for the best in life. Why can't I find it lately? I wanted to go home at lunch and take a xanax. I didn't. I had a 1/4 white chicken with squash and green beans from Boston Market instead. Comfort food. And good for me. And it worked. I guess that's the key. You gotta find hope and comfort in the little things. See? I'm totally an optimist.


While I may be an optimist, but I'm not smart enough for facebook. I'm really not. I want to be. How is it that 10 year old girls manage to figure this stuff out and I'm completely clueless? Apparently I'm not smarter than a 4th grader. I can change a tire but figuring out who posted what to my wall (what is my wall anyway?) is beyond me. I'm not sure what makes me older. This or 13 gray hairs that used to live in my head. They don't live there anymore. And my stylist is $140 richer. So worth it.


Ah well. Can't win them all. Except at Macy's. Where I did get the right shirt for the right price.