They're following me

Pregnant women. They're every.where.

Think they're stalking me?

I've always wanted a stalker. Not a scary hide in the bushes and follow you to work kind. More like the send random gifts and worship the ground you walk on type. But not like this. It makes me sad. I'd almost rather a creepy stalker type who call me up and say, breathlessly, "I know what you're wearing". I'm not entirely sure why anyone would stalk me. Or care what I'm wearing. For the record, if you're interested in stalking me, I'm wearing a brown t-shirt and pastel striped pants. I don't match. My hair is 1/2 up in a ponytail. Because only half will fit. Yeah. I'm hot. Stalk me.

But for serious. I'm just really sick of pregnant women stalking me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning from all of this. I feel like it must be something. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that, right? I don't feel any stronger. I'm tired of wanting to cry on a fairly regular basis. That's not strong. I'm like that other garbage bag in the Hefty bag commercials...wimpy, wimpy, wimpy. Besides my waist, there's nothing much about me that's hefty. I'm one big ball of depressing today, huh?

Even as I sit here, the HG is napping on the bed next to me. Why, oh why, can't that be enough to make me happy? It should be. Check this out. (Pictures in post are older than they appear.)

How cute is he? Too bad he sounds like this. http://www.audiosparx.com/sa/play/port_lofi.cfm/sound_iid.244211

But loud noises (I love Lamp. Bonus karma points if you recognize this reference.) aside, how can that not be enough for me? Look, I even got an extra furry guy tossed in for good measure. To be honest, the snoring used to bug me. But now I realize it's a good way to know he's still alive. So I'm all in. Dead husbands? Not so good.

So I was in Target yesterday to buy pedometers for the HG and me (I? Myself? Can I get a grammar check please?). Precisely because dead husbands are not good. The pedometer is part of our attempt to get healthy. And I swear to you, every single woman in that store was either pregnant or had a new baby. I assume it possible some of them were just pudgy. I often say I'd rather look pregnant than fat. I have pictures to prove it.

I started to wonder if all the pregnant women were like cars. Not literally like cars (that's mean. NEVER call a pregnant woman fat. Bad plan. They have super human strength and can kill you with one flick of their finger. I promise.). But you know how when you buy a car, suddenly everyone seems to be driving the same car? I assume this isn't true for the couple formerly known as Bennifer (take 1). I'm sure there are only so many Bentleys around. But otherwise, I'm sure it's true. I was in traffic the other day and there were, I kid you not, five other silver Corollas in traffic with me. My example would probably be better if I didn't drive the most popular car in America. I wonder if the HG would spring for a Bentley.

But since I'm so obsessed with pregnancy, I assumed that seeing pregnant women everywhere was a side effect of the obsession. I was totally ready to believe that until I got home and turned on my favorite show. (NO, not my Super Sweet 16) Hell's Kitchen (Psst: Gordon, call me! Better yet, stalk me.) I love Hell's Kitchen. What's not to love about a cutie British guy yelling at morons while they're cooking? It's got all of my favorite things: a snappy title, a cute boy, snark, and food. Oh, and fire. Best show ever. Anyway, I tuned in, hoping against hope that Jen would get booted (she did!). When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh.....and 80 pregnant woman. They actually had 80 pregnant women on the show to test the food created by the fabulous contestants. Really, it's brilliant. Who better to taste-test the food? And with all the hormones running around, honesty would not be a problem. (Again, Gordon, call me. I'm not preggers, but I'm totally hormonal and hungry.)

So, I changed the channel to TLC. I was hoping for Take Home Chef (he can totally take me home anytime), Stacey and Clinton helping someone see the error of her ways in the 360 degree mirror (What Not to Wear), or maybe a newly married couple spending too much money on a house with a mortgage they'll never be able to afford (My First House). But John and Kate plus 8 was on. It was footage of both of Kate's pregnancies.

I gave up and turned off the TV. Clearly, the pregnant woman are stalking me.

And not a single one left me a gift.